last night, just before i was going to bed i had this concept about sex crawl into this empty space between my eyes and my brain.This is what i wrote in the notebook that i leave beside my bed...
Sex is a massless blob with long spurs of eyes of flasing color, arms of every tan whirled in a motionless blob that is constnatly changing inside
i'm no expert but everybody tries to make the best out of sex. Grabbing for every inch of their body. Licking every scar. Making a new. Whether the room groans/reiks doesn't matter. Sure tomorrow you may say it sucked, but at the time you were putting yourself out there. If they did something different you find yourself a little boggled, but don't feel like you should have to do something similar in response. If you like it keep it up. If you don't figure something out. If you're confused, well i'll get back to you on that. It clearly involves taking risks.
That's why we all make the best of it.
But what happens if we didn't give our partner enough of a chance. Maybe they went too far, may be they didn't go far enough. Just don't rush to condemn. It may come back to haunt you & be all you can think about
....now don't ask me what that was. Don't call me out on it. I simply was writing what was on my mind, because I was not falling asleep with that all in my head. Now the reason why I put it on blogspot. Not to disturb you. Not to make you think. But simply so I could rip the page out of my notebook and burn it.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
So I can't help to hate the idea of being gay. Though, I guess I can't really call this hate if everytime i get close with a girl, or am almost completely past the idea of being gay, i kind of wish i will never forget it. I always want to have that part of me that loves the same sex, or maybe it's more that I never want to forget these feelings I've had, the experiences that i have encountered, and the awkwardness that has made me come to love fondling with a guy with clothes on. This love though, it's interesting. I'm not sure what it consists of, to be honest with you.
Is it a love for male bonding? Is it a lack of strong male friendship? Is it something I missed out on? Is it that i love making friends? or do I simply love men.
So here are my queer credentials:
I've had sex with a guy before. It was full in, jump in, no holding back, first time for everything kind of deal. Maybe at some point in time i'll go into detail, so it could slip out of my brain, forever, not for your direct appeasement. I wasn't totally passionate about doing it with him, but there could be reasons behind this. (he was my best friend, he wanted it forever, i didn't know, i had never thought of him in bed at night before, but why hadn't I?reason i did do it is because i had the opportunity and i was in the mood, it was late...Many a journal to come) it wasn't how I had always envisioned having sex in general. (i tend to be a passionate kind of guy) yet he seemed to be the passionate kind of guy at the time, and i ended up licking his ass. first time...right...
I always jack off to guys before I go to bed. I haven't really gotten off from a girl, until I was making out with one. I can't really put it up by thinking of a girl either, mostly because I had always been disturbed with the concept of female and male sex-it scared me. This also could have something to do with my childhood concept of a woman being the most important thing ever, and i, just a rug for her to walk upon.
I also have crept into guys underwear while they're sleeping. I've done it multiple times to one of my best friends that is now a crackhead. I did it once to my cocaptain at a sleepover. I also did it once to another friend that has since moved. I touched their entire bodies, kissed them and all. It was a tad much, but I was a horny middle schooler. I'm over and done with that now, and don't miss judge me too soon.
If I could tell you all the incidents with my friends though you'd understand why I felt so led on to this orientation, but i blame them for nothing.
But before you can call me gay from all of that, I want you to know some important background that I find somewhat influential.
I've always hated my father. My parents are now divorced thankfully, and he lives in Portugal.
As I said, I was raised with this chivolrous notion that woman are meant to be treated with the outmost care and respect. Maybe it was all the Aladin. But it was more so my mother and aunt, I think. My mother always said girls were "nasty," and that I shouldn't have any girlfriends, and stuff like that...It was all those things that I would think a mother would say to her young, but influential children. I was younger (elementary school younger) and didn't have a liking for either sex at the time. Can you blame me? I guess I dressed up in girls clothes though?
I come from a VERY Catholic religious Portugeuse family. Full Blood.
i was a loner in elementary school. A nerd ahead of his time.
i also have an index finger that is longer than my ring finger on one hand. The other hand is "normal." There's been studies about gays or just homosexual tendencies and this coincidental finger ratio, but who the hell knows, I refuse to believe things like this. It could allow society to choose who can reproduce and who can't. Creating Über men.
i went to middle school. I became friends with this person in my class. He had this attraction to me that I found awkward, I wasnt used to friends. He became my best friend in middle school, we hung out almost every day for that first summer after 6th grade, and the one after 8th grade. Since.. we talk, and crack gay jokes about each other, but i barely see him. He's now the crackhead, i spoke of earlier.
Is it a love for male bonding? Is it a lack of strong male friendship? Is it something I missed out on? Is it that i love making friends? or do I simply love men.
So here are my queer credentials:
I've had sex with a guy before. It was full in, jump in, no holding back, first time for everything kind of deal. Maybe at some point in time i'll go into detail, so it could slip out of my brain, forever, not for your direct appeasement. I wasn't totally passionate about doing it with him, but there could be reasons behind this. (he was my best friend, he wanted it forever, i didn't know, i had never thought of him in bed at night before, but why hadn't I?reason i did do it is because i had the opportunity and i was in the mood, it was late...Many a journal to come) it wasn't how I had always envisioned having sex in general. (i tend to be a passionate kind of guy) yet he seemed to be the passionate kind of guy at the time, and i ended up licking his ass. first time...right...
I always jack off to guys before I go to bed. I haven't really gotten off from a girl, until I was making out with one. I can't really put it up by thinking of a girl either, mostly because I had always been disturbed with the concept of female and male sex-it scared me. This also could have something to do with my childhood concept of a woman being the most important thing ever, and i, just a rug for her to walk upon.
I also have crept into guys underwear while they're sleeping. I've done it multiple times to one of my best friends that is now a crackhead. I did it once to my cocaptain at a sleepover. I also did it once to another friend that has since moved. I touched their entire bodies, kissed them and all. It was a tad much, but I was a horny middle schooler. I'm over and done with that now, and don't miss judge me too soon.
If I could tell you all the incidents with my friends though you'd understand why I felt so led on to this orientation, but i blame them for nothing.
But before you can call me gay from all of that, I want you to know some important background that I find somewhat influential.
I've always hated my father. My parents are now divorced thankfully, and he lives in Portugal.
As I said, I was raised with this chivolrous notion that woman are meant to be treated with the outmost care and respect. Maybe it was all the Aladin. But it was more so my mother and aunt, I think. My mother always said girls were "nasty," and that I shouldn't have any girlfriends, and stuff like that...It was all those things that I would think a mother would say to her young, but influential children. I was younger (elementary school younger) and didn't have a liking for either sex at the time. Can you blame me? I guess I dressed up in girls clothes though?
I come from a VERY Catholic religious Portugeuse family. Full Blood.
i was a loner in elementary school. A nerd ahead of his time.
i also have an index finger that is longer than my ring finger on one hand. The other hand is "normal." There's been studies about gays or just homosexual tendencies and this coincidental finger ratio, but who the hell knows, I refuse to believe things like this. It could allow society to choose who can reproduce and who can't. Creating Über men.
i went to middle school. I became friends with this person in my class. He had this attraction to me that I found awkward, I wasnt used to friends. He became my best friend in middle school, we hung out almost every day for that first summer after 6th grade, and the one after 8th grade. Since.. we talk, and crack gay jokes about each other, but i barely see him. He's now the crackhead, i spoke of earlier.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
As queer as this sounds, I have found it hysterical how my livejournal had become quite the "Gossip Girl." As many know there has been a new series called "Gossip Girl," in which some girl splurges out all the nasty dirt about the rich folk in some part of some city.
It's really a hysterical show, and is perfect for me being somewhat of a teenager.
The website though is essentially a blog. A blog that is editted by a mystery girl.
The blog essentially becomes the narration of the series, but is frequently acessed by the rich who'd like to know more information, and the followers who are dagging to tag along.
Though my life isn't quite so glamorous. My journal had become the acess point into the grime of the smarter students in my class. Many a hate comments were sent, many a thankful, but it only allowed me to vent. I ended up stirring too many commotions and shut it down only to open up a new journal within a week, this one no one could befriend. Though somehow I wasn't quiet enough in my transgression and found myself known to another great number of people, only recently.
It seems they couldn't get enough.
So i've left to find a new interface. A place where no names will be used unless they are made up. Many a name might represent their beauty or rather their grotesque features, but how will you know which name i find hideous?
You'll also find some Poetry, or snidbits of writing that i start and hardly ever complete. If it interests you, let me know. Although it renders me disappointed to not be able to carry over the old writing. The writing i cared about most. It had talent but now i'm weary and too socially acceptive that nothing phases me.
i hope to bring you something new, something creative and brilliant
something that resembles me
It's really a hysterical show, and is perfect for me being somewhat of a teenager.
The website though is essentially a blog. A blog that is editted by a mystery girl.
The blog essentially becomes the narration of the series, but is frequently acessed by the rich who'd like to know more information, and the followers who are dagging to tag along.
Though my life isn't quite so glamorous. My journal had become the acess point into the grime of the smarter students in my class. Many a hate comments were sent, many a thankful, but it only allowed me to vent. I ended up stirring too many commotions and shut it down only to open up a new journal within a week, this one no one could befriend. Though somehow I wasn't quiet enough in my transgression and found myself known to another great number of people, only recently.
It seems they couldn't get enough.
So i've left to find a new interface. A place where no names will be used unless they are made up. Many a name might represent their beauty or rather their grotesque features, but how will you know which name i find hideous?
You'll also find some Poetry, or snidbits of writing that i start and hardly ever complete. If it interests you, let me know. Although it renders me disappointed to not be able to carry over the old writing. The writing i cared about most. It had talent but now i'm weary and too socially acceptive that nothing phases me.
i hope to bring you something new, something creative and brilliant
something that resembles me
back date February 12th "
Back date this entry to February 12th
So someone comes running/schooching up to me, bumping into me and roughling up my shirt as she's all crouched over
This girl huddled under my arm says to me "Do you like him?"
I raise an eyebrow in response and mutter a "what..." she repeats herself "Do you really like him Seth?" I said a tiny bit replying in that indiscriminate joking format. She then again repeated herself but with a different accent "Seth, do you really like him?" but still with a smirk"
what kind of a question is that" I said
"Well I don't know if swing both ways" with her subtle smile but non-the-less firmly intended, but not unexpected from her. Not to mention, that this is coming from the girl who had been implying many a significance between her and I for quite sometime now.
I decided to reply with my casual "Thank, ______, Thanks" .
"Just make sure he gets tested for AIDS"
"WHAT" laughing somewhat forced
"just make sure he gets tested for AIDS, you don't know where that shits been" (...mind you we're at a Science meet)
Yet even though this all seems as such a joke, I find some reality in it.
I did find a kind of attraction for this kid. We were both smart, both better looking than the majority of the other attendents, applying to similarly upper class schools, and were constantly in the same events in which we were somewhat forced to COMPETE in.
not to mention that there was something that just drew us together
now i could say in a sense that this liking i have for this kid is simply caused by the idea of making a new friend whom isn't from this school, and seems on the outside, as somewhat similar. I tend to get overexcited when things, such as making new friends happens because it is in a sense a kind of accomplishment, a hey you are a decent person that someone might approach you, not to mention it's just an amazing feeling acquiring a friend
Although this may be true, i still find a great deal of the rest of this information to be true as well
It turns out he does have a website with a picture of him looking out into the ocean with a backpack on.
Now if there wasn't some kind of reason that his picture is Aesthetic, on the beach, and having him carrying a backpack then let me know...
PS. He got defered from Brown under ED but for some reason i had a great faith in him to get accepted.
He approached me tonight and was messin' when he said "Why weren't you in my event" (we have a streak of being in the same events) and i ended up blaming it on my teacher...we talked for a little bit during the awards, and the way back to our rooms until we separated, in which I threw him my name and he slipped out his
So someone comes running/schooching up to me, bumping into me and roughling up my shirt as she's all crouched over
This girl huddled under my arm says to me "Do you like him?"
I raise an eyebrow in response and mutter a "what..." she repeats herself "Do you really like him Seth?" I said a tiny bit replying in that indiscriminate joking format. She then again repeated herself but with a different accent "Seth, do you really like him?" but still with a smirk"
what kind of a question is that" I said
"Well I don't know if swing both ways" with her subtle smile but non-the-less firmly intended, but not unexpected from her. Not to mention, that this is coming from the girl who had been implying many a significance between her and I for quite sometime now.
I decided to reply with my casual "Thank, ______, Thanks" .
"Just make sure he gets tested for AIDS"
"WHAT" laughing somewhat forced
"just make sure he gets tested for AIDS, you don't know where that shits been" (...mind you we're at a Science meet)
Yet even though this all seems as such a joke, I find some reality in it.
I did find a kind of attraction for this kid. We were both smart, both better looking than the majority of the other attendents, applying to similarly upper class schools, and were constantly in the same events in which we were somewhat forced to COMPETE in.
not to mention that there was something that just drew us together
now i could say in a sense that this liking i have for this kid is simply caused by the idea of making a new friend whom isn't from this school, and seems on the outside, as somewhat similar. I tend to get overexcited when things, such as making new friends happens because it is in a sense a kind of accomplishment, a hey you are a decent person that someone might approach you, not to mention it's just an amazing feeling acquiring a friend
Although this may be true, i still find a great deal of the rest of this information to be true as well
It turns out he does have a website with a picture of him looking out into the ocean with a backpack on.
Now if there wasn't some kind of reason that his picture is Aesthetic, on the beach, and having him carrying a backpack then let me know...
PS. He got defered from Brown under ED but for some reason i had a great faith in him to get accepted.
He approached me tonight and was messin' when he said "Why weren't you in my event" (we have a streak of being in the same events) and i ended up blaming it on my teacher...we talked for a little bit during the awards, and the way back to our rooms until we separated, in which I threw him my name and he slipped out his
And so it begins...
I've always had a livejournal, the names different so you can't look it up, but if you knew enough about me, you'd probaly find it.
I figured I'd try this out because it's different, and my friends don't know i have one.
It would let me talk to people that don't quite care about me.
Maybe someone that i could learn to care about, but not obsess over.
I'm just looking to write.
Looking for someone to discover me, and see if I interest them.
I figured I'd try this out because it's different, and my friends don't know i have one.
It would let me talk to people that don't quite care about me.
Maybe someone that i could learn to care about, but not obsess over.
I'm just looking to write.
Looking for someone to discover me, and see if I interest them.
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