I can't fucking take it. I'm going insane. Theres always this constant stuggle. Two weeks ago I was succumbing to the idea about actually being a closeted gay. The following week I felt straight as can be, and latched onto those ideas of being in my girlfriends car making out, and how i started to get a boner. Now i read a friggin post in "Matt's" journal and i'm going absolutely insane.

I just can't take this anymore. MY head hurts. I want to cry but i can't. I just simply can't.

I was thinking about how much I just wanted to die today. How the world is coming to a point where life will no longer be liveable.

I used to blame my gayness on mother nature. I'd always tell myself that the world is sprouting more and more gay people because the population isn't decreasing, but rather growing exponentially. Something like negative feedback.

I'm simply this strong willed, substantially motivated person, that can also be pretty stubborn, and I like refuse to accept t his notion.

I was hoping in college everything would be alright, it would all be fine, and blow away. Maybe some more experimenting with both sides, and I'd finally get an answer. But in my mind that answer was undoubtedly the female sex, yet hear i am doubting myself.

GOD, how I just wish i could get lost in some fantasy. Whether it was gay or straight. Just live in some world. Some made up novel. Clouds and Eclipses by Gore Vidal wouldn't be an awful gay one. I could think of plenty of straight fantasies. O life just stop.

just let it run down
so that nothing stops
that it flows through my eyes into yours
just leave me be,

i want so much but can only have so little

i always wanted to be a hero, one of those kids that gave up their lives for the earth, or to protect his family, i wanted to be broken up into little pieces of light
something that would just be sprinkled onto the trees after i exploded into the sky
not a tear could be shed for the happiness that were to come

i htae writing shit like this, i'm sorry, i'm gonna go, i love whoever you are, i wish i could do anything to help you, i really really do

egh i hope sleep will make this all go away, maybe some more Angle of Repose, by Wallace Stegner

but all i need is fate right now
to fall into some fucking destined angle